The Glass is Half Empty…

My favorite bar is LoveJoys on Sixth and Neches in Austin. Here are a few of the reasons.

I like the restroom to be clean.I don’t care if there’s graffiti on the walls or a nice paint job or whatever. I just want the floor to be clean, no piss on the toilette seat and not having to piss into a trough is always a plus. If I have to take a shit, I want at MINIMUM a stall that locks if not a whole bathroom with a locking door.

Decently priced drinks. LoveJoys has house brewed beer on tap that is decently priced.

Selection. I’m not interested in a crappy selection of Bud, Coors, Michelobe, Lonestar. If that’s all they have, it better be dirt cheap and there better be another reason to be there. In a little town North East of Taylor called Thorndale, where I’m from originally, there’s a little watering hole called “Steves Place”. They’ve got cans of beer for a buck fifty a piece and bottles are a buck seventy five. You get your beer handed to you in a coozie and there’s good burgers cooked personally by the owner. Between that and the porn on the bathroom walls and the wood stove kicking heat in the winter, that place has enough flavor to make up for the crappy beer selection.

Friendly bar staff. If I’m handing you money and you want a tip, I don’t want any attitude. You don’t have to kiss my ass, but don’t act like your shit doesn’t stink.

Friendly patrons. I don’t want to hang out with people who aren’t happy to see me. If the place is filled with rude assholes, guess what? I’m finding another place to party.

A juke box with a decent selection. I get so bored with the selection on so many jukes. Most of them look like they haven’t been changed in 20 years. It’s not that the Doors, Zeppelin, and Hendrix are bad bands- It’s that they’re on every fucking juke box everywhere. For the sake of all that is holy! Be creative! Put something in there I might not have heard 3 million times before.

Some cool artwork on the walls can really break up the monotony of a place. It’s cool when places support local artists too.

Activities are cool too. Especially if they’re free. Pool (on tables that are well maintained), darts, pinball. These are all good things.

It’s also cool if there are regularly scheduled tournaments. Poker night. Dominos. Whatever. Cool.

Hope you enjoyed.

Myspace.com/DonkeyMaster

Jiggers (Babcock Rd)

I am fairly new to this town called San Antonio, and it was obvious the night I showed up at Jiggers. I had no idea that this was the place that serviced the biggest losers this town has.
Just pulling into the parking lot alone should have warned me… there was garbage everywhere, and I am positive that the dumpster had not been emptied in weeks…the odor it gave off could have gagged a maggot.

Well against my better judgment, I went inside.
It was a dreary place, outdated, and almost completely empty. (Except for the 3 very obvious regulars) My boyfriend and I sat at the end of the bar and put a 20$ bill on the counter and waited…….and waited……..and waited………What the fuck? I know she saw us!! Could her conversation with some completely intoxicated man be more important then taking my drink order? When she finally did drag her fat ass over, we ordered a pitcher of Miller Lite, and a shot….my pitcher was piss warm, and my shot glass was maybe about 2/3 of the way full.
Not wanting to make a scene, I elbowed my boyfriend in the ribs, and told him to be quite. I guess it must have been about a 1/2 hour to 45 minutes later when other people finally did start showing up…It was karaoke night! Ohh, what fun. (Note the sarcasm)
There is nothing more pathetic then a group of wanna-be singers who walk into a “punk” bar to sing. I have heard better sounds from a cat in heat. These people sang, (if that’s what you call it) and drank shot after shot, and beer after beer.

Completely amused at this point, we decided to order a couple of bottle beers in hopes that they would at least be semi cold (they weren’t) , and watch these American Idol rejects. (I am a big time people watcher; it amuses the hell out of me) The group of people there had to be the strangest bunch ever. There was a man who had to be about 35 wearing skinny jeans that had zippers on the back, and was balding something awful…another lady that was at least his age or possibly older with a wanna-be Betty Paige look….Basically a bunch of posers that wished they were Sid Vicious, and hung out at The CBGB in its heyday.

There was one kid that stood out more then the rest though, not only was he one of the biggest people that I ever saw in my life, but he had all kinds of weirdo piercings, a faux hawk, and was busting a sag…big time. I had never seen such an odd looking person. He went back and forth from the bar to the stage more times then I could count….and just before he was about to sing another song, on his way BACK to the stage, this mother fucker blew fucking chow EVERYWHERE!!! He just stood there and barfed!!! The whole 10 people at the bar just stared….even the fucking bartender!!! You will never guess what this guy did next…he wiped the puke off his shirt, face, and shoes, and went up on stage and sang! What the Fuc*There is a big pile of puke on the floor, and nobody is doing a thing about it! They did not throw him out, they did not clean it, they did not even block the area off…they just let him sing his song, and all laughed after. That puke lay there for about 15 minutes before they finally started cleaning it up!

After seeing all this, I immediately asked for my check…and of coarse it took the bitch forever to get it for me. Disgusted and ready to puke myself, I gave her my money, and when she brought me the change back, I left her a 1 dollar tip, (she was a complete douche bag) and left. I have to tell you guys, unless you like hanging out with the people that even the band geeks, and chess team won’t hang out with, then AVOID this place at all costs!!!!

myspace.com/gloriousmaximus